Death the Kid & !
by SneakyDorcas
Summary: Death the Kid goes on a new mission! His target? A pair of witches taken from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time who use ice and fire. Their target? A strange, green-haired girl. Her target? An original character called Sununu, whose problems are so extreme even Kid has to back off. AU, OC, insanity, and a bit of Bleach thrown in. Updates when I feel like it, so stop bugging me!
1. It Begins

Hello everybody (and by that I mean the whole two people before this story)! It's me, SneakyDorcas, the author of Shadow and Scythe. After my co-author (oath-keeper95) got bored of leading up on this story, he gave control of it to me, so here I am. He had some other ideas for crossover stories, and he put them in a list for me. The ideas are as follows;

Shoulder-a-Coffin Kuro X Soul Eater, Shoulder-a-Coffin Kuro X Yotsuba&!, One Piece X Yotsuba!&, Soul Eater X Mabuharo, One Piece X Mabuharo, and Soul Eater and Yotsuba&!.

And here I am, typing this Yotsuba!& X Soul Eater story. Here goes nothing. (ahem) I, SneakyDorcas, do not own the rights to Soul Eater, Yotsuba!&, Legend of Zelda (you'll understand later), any other shows, characters, story lines, or titles. Nope… only this story.

Soul Eater is owned by Atsushi Ōkubo and Gangan Comics. The English translation is published by Yen Press.

Yotsuba&! is owned by Kiyohiko Azuma and ASCII Media Works. The English translation is published by Yen Press.

The Legend of Zelda (the series of video games, not just the original NES game) was created by Shigeru Miyamoto, Takashi Tezuka, and Eiji Aonuma. The series is published by, and licensed to, the Nintendo company.

Whew. Okay, for those of you who care about the timelines, this story starts about two weeks after the final episode of Soul Eater and immediately after Yotsuba releases the cicada swarm into the Ayases' household.

* * *

**Chapter 1: A Letter From the Cousins? Rice-Hair's New Mission!**

* * *

It was a hot, hot day at the Ayase household. Everyone was staying inside, lying under air conditioners and in tubs of cool water. The air is still.

"BBBBUAGHH!" a high voice shrieked in terror. Well, _was_.

The voice belonged to a tall, short haired brunette. The question, _Why was she screaming?_, might pass through your mind. The answer is simple: a swarm of cicadas chirping away inside (as any cicada would), and because of a young, short girl with peculiarly styled green hair who had set the cicadas free from their container. She had a look on her face that could only belong to someone who had absolutely no idea what she had done.

Behind the brunette, a teenager with long copper hair walked out of the room. She was called Asagi, in case you were wondering.

Behind the green-haired girl was a man wearing a shirt with a floral pattern, a tall, black-haired giant. The man was tall. Actually, 'tall' is no way to describe how mind-shatteringly huge this man was. He looked like you could varnish him and play pool with his head.

Next to him was a young girl with long black hair. She was young, but still several years older than her green-haired friend. A red T-shirt with a picture of fish bones hung loosely across her torso, clashing violently with her sunny, polite demeanor. (In this narrator's personal opinion, this girl is beautiful.)

Asagi stalked back into the room, clutching a can with the words "Bugs-B-Gone" emblazoned across it. She was immediately tackled by the green-haired imp.

After she got up, the green haired girl took a good look around before she grabbed a nearby cicada and held it in the face of the short-haired woman. "Mom, this is a _kumazemi_ cicada! Are you happy?" the girl asked.

As the girl brought the cicada closer and closer to the woman, the woman said in terror, "Yes! Yes!"

Hearing this, the young girl's grin grew even bigger as she raised her hand and released the cicada, hollering "YAY!" As she did this, the tall man and other girl were busy trying to capture the cicadas. Again.

A few minutes later…

"...and then, I caught a_ kumazemi_! It was huge!" said the young girl to a tall (regular sized) man with black hair. The two of them were eating their curry as she told him what had occurred that day.

"Wow, you caught a _kumazemi_, huh? That's great." the man said, finishing his bite in the process.

"I know!" the girl said before standing to continue on to say, "I was like 'kou!' and 'sha!', 'bya!' 'pa!'" gesturing with her spoon as she did so.

As she finished, the man took the opportunity to tell her, "Sit down and eat."

The girl sat down and took a bite before looking at the man and said, "After that we went cicada hunting in Ena's house, and mom was really happy! Then Jumbo took all the cicada back to the shrine! And that was it!" Finishing, she began to hastily eat her meal.

"Sounds like you had a good time then," stated the man.

"Yeah! I had a blast!" the girl said through a mouthful of food.

After the two of them finished their curry and finished the clean up, the man made sure that everything was organized before he realized something. "Hey, Yotsuba. Can you come over here for a second?" he said.

Yotsuba (the green haired girl) rushed over to the man in her nightwear. "Yuh-huh Daddy?" she asked as the man held out an opened letter addressed to the Koiwai family and handed it to Yotsuba.

"It's from your cousins Liz and Patty." he said.

As Yotsuba opened the envelope, she unfolded the letter and began to read it. Well… okay, she 'tried' to read it, and after all, she's not even in elementary school yet. "De… Deer Unkool Koiwai, Patty and I have a jaob nearbye you, so we would like to visute with you and Yotsuba for a fuw days while where there. See you then, Ell-sim-bet Thom-song. P.S. Our boss will be ac…acumponieng us, and worining, he's saimetrecally ob... obsi... up sessed."

(For the sake of clarity, this is what the note actually said:

Dear Uncle Koiwai, Patty and I have a job nearby you, so we would like to visit with you and Yotsuba for a few days while we're there. See you then. Sincerely, Elizabeth Thompson.  
P.S.: Our boss will be accompanying us, and, warning, he's symmetrically obsessed.)

"Huh?" she wondered before turning to her father. "Daddy, what's does 'semantrically upset' mean?" she asked with pure curiosity shining in her eyes.

Koiwai thought about it for a minute. "Well… first off, I think you mean symmetrically obsessed. And I assume that means he's a perfectionist." he said with his hand on his chin before looking back at Yotsuba, who was currently confused. That wasn't too unusual. Seeing this, Koiwai sighed and said, "In other words, he likes things to stay balanced."

Yotsuba, having had learned about balance from Jumbo a while ago, was able to understand what Koiwai meant. "So… the cousins are coming to see Daddy and Yotsuba with a accrowbrat?" she asked her father.

Koiwai wondered for a moment how Yotsuba got _acrobat_ from _balanced_, but decided to ignore it. "Yes, I think that's the gist of it." he said before turning to a picture of him, his sister, her husband, and two girls that looked around the same age as Yotsuba. "I wonder how they've been since Lucy and Kyle died." he said. Looking at him, Yotsuba noticed water falling from his face. Noticing this himself, he dried his face with his sleeve before turning back to Yotsuba and saying sternly, "I'll tell you this once Yotsuba. Be on your best behavior! Alright?!"

"Sir yes sir," she said, snapping firmly to attention on reflex. Outside the Koiwai household, the voices of Koiwai and Yotsuba could still be heard as they finished preparing for bed.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Death City...  
**

* * *

"C'mon Kid, did you forget that we have a mission we have to go on?" exclaimed a tall girl with long, honey-blond hair wearing a cow girl outfit. As she said this, she was focusing on a boy who was clutching at the door frame in front of her with the desperation of a madman. His cropped black hair had three rice-white strips on the left, throwing a kind of silver light across the room. Aside from that, the boy was remarkably, precisely symmetrical, wearing a sharp tuxedo that matched on both sides. A kind of metallic stitching protruded from the suit's shoulders, and an air of danger hung around him. That is, it did, when he wasn't gripping a door frame so hard his fingers turned white. Or rather, whiter.

Behind both of these people, was a girl with short blond hair, who wore a similar cow girl outfit.

"No way! I'd rather die than go to a house that holds _that_ bad of a calligrapher!" the boy cried.

"Well what do you expect from a six year old girl who used to live in Hawaii? She can't read, or even speak the language very well! What made you think her writing would be any better?" The long blond asked, still trying to pry the boy from the house. "Tell him, Patty!"

Patty nodded, reaching into her bag and pulled out the letter that their uncle had sent a few days ago. "I don't think it's _that_ bad. After all, I can read it! Me!" she said as she unfolded the letter. "Dear Liz and Patty, Yotsuba and I are doing fine. Since we last saw each other, we moved to a nice place called Karakura Town. Yotsuba has even made friends with our next door neighbors, the Ayase's. Any ways, we hope you'll come to visit us soon. See you around, Koiwai and Yotsuba." she finished, handing the letter to Liz's free hand.

Liz nodded to her sister and returned her attention to the boy holding it in front of him. "See? All she signed was her name, that's not enough for you to judge her on!"

"Never! One's penmanship is a reflection of one's soul, and her soul is as asymmetrical as a crowbar!"

Liz had had enough. "AAAAAAAAARGH! GET … OUT… OF… THAT… DOORWAY! Patty! HELP!"

Patty trotted over, grinning moronically. "_Hoi_!" She began crawling underneath the black-clad boy. As soon as she was clear, she sprang to her feet and started pulling on his head.

The boy in black absently noted, "Well, at least _I'm_ symmetrical," immediately before Liz's grip slipped. He went catapulting forward into the room, wailing mercilessly and accidentally crashing into Patty in the process.

He saw with horror that all his paintings were tilting as he flew by. Tears crawled down his face as he slammed into the wall (somehow surviving) and was knocked completely unconscious. "Oh no! Kid! Patty!" exclaimed Liz, realizing that she may have killed the young man, as well as her sister.

"I'm alright, sis." said Patty, popping out of the rubble from where the wall was before while she pulled the unconscious body of the young man behind her by his leg. "But Kid's sleeping, so we've got to be quiet." she whispered to her sister.

Seeing that her sister and friend weren't dead made Liz sigh in relief. "That's good." she replied.

Patty looked at Liz curiously. "Why is it good that he's asleep?" Patty asked. In her mind, Patty glimpsed visions of dragging Kid's unconscious body all the way to their Uncle's house.

"Because if Kid's not awake, he can't complain about going. Right?" Liz pointed out, grabbing the boy's other leg. Patty stood where she was for another moment or two. Suddenly, a knowing grin crossed her face as an idea dawned on her. As she and Liz dragged the boy to the car, they decided to get a few more things before they departed on their mission.

On the way to the car, no one looked down. If they had, they might have noticed an old bounty poster that drifted out of Kid's pocket. At the top of the poster, the word "WANTED" was etched in huge red letters. Just below, there was a large portrait of two hags, both of them riding broomsticks. One of them held a stylized snowflake, an impossibly large disc of delicate ice-white carvings. The other held a tiny plume of brilliant red fire, forever sparking off into the shadowy night.

Just below the picture, there was an elegantly written block of text. It read, 'Sorceress Sisters Koume and Kotake, AKA Twinrova. Wanted for the hunting of human souls and for the act of witch craft. They have been seen using fire and ice magic and have been known to use mind control if necessary. They have only been seen hunting on the night of a full moon, and this may be the only time they can hunt. Use extreme caution. These witches are armed and highly dangerous.'

"Alright! Next stop, Karakura Town!" exclaimed Patty.

"Mmm… What happened?" asked the boy, slowly regaining consciousness.

"Crap! Drive, driver! Drive!" exclaimed Liz as the car speedily raced off, signalling the beginning of their new mission. If only they'd known.


	2. Red Snapper

Hello everybody. Once again, I'm SneakyDorcas, and this is the second chapter of Death the Kid&! For you fans of the anime/manga Bleach, I'm sorry for using the name of Karakura Town as the setting. I couldn't find the name of the town that Yotsuba&! took place in. For the fans of Legend of Zelda, you remember the Twinrova Sisters from Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask. I plan on keeping those aspects throughout the story, and I've even added a certain someone into the mix. Let's see who can guess who it is as you place your reviews. Now, on to the disclaimer:

I, SneakyDorcas, do not own the rights to Soul Eater, Yotsuba&!, or any other shows, games, characters, or storylines that gets caught in the crossfire. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 2: New Neighbors? Meet Mr. Snappy-Snappy!**

* * *

"Yotsuba! Breakfast!" called Koiwai, cleaning the living room in his 'formal' dress, composed of a long sleeved white shirt and a pair of jeans.

He was answered by our heroine, Yotsuba, in the traditional manner.

"BOXER GIRL TO THE RESCUE!" exclaimed Yotsuba, who was wearing a pair of boxers over her head that covered her eyes. She entered through the kitchen instead of the living room, something that was slightly unusual for her.

"Unhand that bacon, evildoer! Or face Boxer Girl in combat!" she called out to nobody.

Being her father (read: used to her acting this way), Koiwai carried her to her set destination and pulled the boxers off her head. "I can't do that, Yotsuba. We have to clean the house today, and ..." He trailed off as he realized the room was eerily quiet. Opening his eyes, he saw that where his daughter once was, there was now a hole in the air. "Now where did she go...?" he wondered.

Meanwhile, outside the house, Yotsuba ran off to go exploring again. As she ran down the street, she began to hear the sound of someone snapping their fingers. Curious, she ran towards the sound and accidentally bumped into a strange man carrying a plastic bag in his mouth. The rhythmic sounds of clicking fingers crashed into discord, and stopped.

Looking up at the man, she saw he wore a strange shirt, striped with bright colors and monochrome. On his left, the stripes were snow and cinnabar, deep red and bright white. On his right side, the stripes were flipped, showing night-black and sky blue. Flowing over both of them was a trail of hair that stretched to his knees. From his chest down it was shaded a dusty tan, but the rest of his hair was the most brilliantly blood-red hair Yotsuba had ever seen.

He turned to face her, moving extraordinarily slowly. He looked as if it was both exhausting and personally humiliating for him, and the air around him seemed to swell with every breath he took.

Facing Yotsuba, who was on the verge of tears because of the man's scariness, the man kneeled down to her. "Fire is red, ice is blue, I'm sorry that I bumped into you," he rhymed, before gently picking her up and dusting her off.

Yotsuba looked curiously at the man, who just a moment ago looked mean but for some reason looked nice and cool all of a sudden. Remembering her manners, she responded, "Sorry. Yotsuba heard a 'clicky-clacky' and decided to investigate."

The man laughed a little. "Investigating? Now that sounds quite fun. But you should return home after you are done." he said, grinning as he ruffled her hair and began to walk onwards. "I hope that you can be my friend. If we may, we should meet up again." he said. As he turned away, he happily resumed snapping his fingers as if nothing had happened. Some way down the street, he turned a corner and vanished behind a tree.

Yotsuba stayed still for a minute, staring at the intersection, confused. "Who was that?" she wondered, scratching her head. She gave up on wondering (as most five-year-olds do) before she shrugged it off and carried on with her exploring.

* * *

Back at the Koiwai household, Koiwai had just finished cleaning when… _'ding-dong,'_ went the doorbell. Hearing this, and done with his chore, he said, "Be there in a second." He opened the door to find a pair of grey haired old ladies who he didn't recognize waiting for him. They both wore old looking robes and carried a broom each.

"Hello there young man." one of them said. "We're your new neighbors. I'm Kotake Twinrova and this is my younger sister, Koume." she said with a smile.

Koiwai looked at the sisters, surprised. "That's odd. I don't remember seeing any _for sale_ signs up." he said before looking around and seeing a moving truck in front of the house to the left (the Ayases are to the right) of his house. "Oh, then welcome to the neighborhood. People call me Koiwai. Sorry. If I knew that there was a new residence moving in then I would have gotten you a house warming gift."

"HO-HO-HO!" Koume laughed. "Don't worry about it. Actually…" she started before turning to Kotake, who nodded, and continued to say, "...we were planning on holding a block party to celebrate our moving in, and we would love it if you came."

"Sure thing. Is there anything I can help out with?" Koiwai asked.

"You needn't worry about that. Our grandson Sununu will take care of everything." Kotake assured Koiwai. "All you need to bring is you and your daughter."

"Will do." Koiwai said as he turned to go inside when something dawned on him. "Now wait just a minute!"

The sisters froze in place for a minute. A cold sweat ran down their necks. "It seems we've spilled the beans." Koume whispered. She clutched a ball of white snow in her hand, slowly sculpting it into a perfectly hollow sphere.

"I guess we have no choice. Take his soul." Kotake whispered in response. She conjured a ball of liquid flame in her hand, which dripped slowly from her hands and scorched tiny marks into the pavement. She shifted her hand, bringing the flame next to the snow. She pushed them together, causing them both to pulse with a powerful wave of invisible magic.

They were about to bombard Koiwai with their magic when he interrupted their ritual with an oblivious laugh. "You didn't tell me when the party was." Koiwai said. The twins dropped the spell they had been conjuring. It evaporated as it fell.

Relaxed now, the twins turned back and Kotake said, "The party is on the 13th, at 5 p.m." Happy to know when it was starting, Koiwai nodded and smiled.

Koume, who dropped her broom, picked it back up and said, "Thank you for catching that. If you hadn't, the party would've been nowhere near as fun." She and her sister then turned back and continued walking, whispering all the way out. "What an odd young man," they said in unison.

"What an odd couple of old ladies," Koiwai said to himself, returning to the house.

Yotsuba, returning home from her adventure, saw two old ladies passing by. One of them saw her, and tugged on her twin's sleeve, pointing at the little girl.

"Daddy! Guess what!" hollered Yotsuba.

"Yotsuba, where were you?" Koiwai asked scoldingly. "Something might happen when you're gone, and I won't know who to call for help!"

Yotsuba stared at him with a look of pure horror. In her mind, she was the the sole holder of all truth and wisdom forever. If something bad happened while she was gone, there would be nothing left, not even the aliens she saw from time to time.

She didn't have the vocabulary to say this the way she wanted to, so Yotsuba went with, "Bad!"

She was momentarily consumed by guilt, but it passed when she realized she was about to tell Koiwai something. She thought for a moment. And another. And another. She said nothing for some time. Then, suddenly, she continued to say nothing.

Finally, it came back to her. "Met a new guy! He didn't say his name, but he looked the same on both sides, except one side was dark and the other was colorful! He made a snappy-snappy sound with his fingers, and he's Yotsuba's friend!" She finished, slightly out of breath.

Koiwai thought to himself. "Did he say anything?"

"He said he wanted to be friends!" Yotsuba replied.

Koiwai laughed shortly, but stopped himself. "Yotsuba. Look at me."

Yotsuba looked- no. She stared- no. She gazed- no... Ah! Yotsuba gave Koiwai every ounce of concentration in her mind.

Koiwai took a deep breath. "I told you once not to go with people you don't know. This guy you met might be like the kind of people who I was warning you about. Be careful of him." Koiwai turned away. As he did, he missed Yotsuba nodding sagely.

She sprang to her feet, startling Koiwai. "Sir yes sir!" she cried. In her zeal, she knocked herself over with a smack to the head. "Sir yes sir," she murmured painfully.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Kid awakened slowly. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and shook himself a little. As he shook, he felt a bump from below that pitched him into the air for a moment.

"We're moving..." he whispered. A thought struck him. "THE WHEELS!" he shrieked. "I DIDN'T FIX THEM!"

As he said 'fix', a vicious snap echoed through the car. Instantly, car flipped onto one side and plowed into the ground.

Kid flew out of the car, landing delicately on his feet.

Someone landed neatly on top of him, grunting and wheezing. From inside the car, Patty yelled, "SON of a BITCH!" Kid frowned. "Driver! Get out!" he yelled.

The driver didn't respond. Kid walked around to the car door and kicked it open. "Get out!"

The driver sat motionless, trembling slightly.

"I said get out!" Kid screamed. The driver dived out of the car, rolling as he hit the dirt. He stood up, still trembling. He advanced on Kid, staring straight at him.

Suddenly, he screamed, "I QUIT! You drive your_self_ now!" As swiftly as he advanced, he ran back the way they'd come from.

Four seconds passed in silence. Then, Kid quietly asked, "What did you do to him?" Patty smiled gently and giggled.

"It was one spider! One!" Liz declared.

"Do you realize what this means, Elizabeth Thompson?" Death the Kid asked. His face didn't turn, and Liz was thankful for that. She could only imagine what his glimmering golden eyes looked like, and Liz didn't have the nicest imagination.

"What?" Liz said, momentarily sympathetic with the flies she'd seen caught in a spiderweb earlier that day.

Death breathed in deeply. "It means, Liz, that this car is no longer symmetrical."  
"No kidding."  
"Turn it over."  
"What?"  
"I said turn it over. If I can get the wheel back on, we can keep driving. That's more symmetrical than walking."  
Liz blinked. "That's... surprisingly practical of you. Good thinking!"  
"Patty's a good therapist," Kid deadpanned.  
Liz smiled. "We'll be at Uncle Koiwai's in no time. Hey, Patty!"  
Patty's cute blond head poked out of the upturned car. "Hoi!" she yelled, grinning moronically.  
"We got work to do!" Liz yelled back.

Turning the car over was the easy part. Resetting the wheel with Kid watching? That was another story.


	3. Crazy Driving and Crazy Kids

Oh man, oh man. I've been discussing updating this story once a week with a few of my friends (oath-keeper95, for the most part), and I've decided to give it a shot. So, from now on, you get to feel the dramedy of Yotsuba & ice cream every Saturday!  
I know, it's awesome, right?!

By the way, I'm never going to describe Sununu in-depth, so look up Fujimoto from _Ponyo_, replace his face with Humphrey Bogart's, and give him striped clothes. All of his clothes are chromatically split down the middle. That means his left side is sky blue with white stripes, and his right side is cinnabar with black stripes. That's Sununu.

Also, since my friend seems to have difficulty pronouncing Sununu's name, this is how you say it: suh-NOO-noo.

I want suggestions if you have any. Please review.

* * *

**Chapter 3: ICE CREAM! Oh, and Rice-Hair Arrives  
**

* * *

Kid was singing. That simple fact caught Liz off guard. '_Wow_,' her inner monologue said, '_Patty must've **really** done a number on him_.'

Kid was an excellent singer, though, she had to admit. She would never have pegged him as a bass. At the moment, he seemed to be performing a basso version of Ave Maria. It was strangely attractive, watching this slim, sophisticated boy effortlessly rumbling out notes that made the seat tremble beneath her legs. He didn't look like he was even _trying_, really. For a second, Liz wondered what it would be like to kiss him while he sang between those beautiful lips...

She shook herself. '_Note to self,_' her inner monologue said, '_Patty has dibs on Kid._' She wrote it down in her mind. After a second, her mind added bold text, all caps, three separate underlines, and an asterisk that connected to *_PATTY IS YOUR SISTER_.

On cue, Patty's head slid into view from the back seat, her eternal dopey grin looking far more sinister than usual. Liz stiffened. Patty nodded at her from the space between Kid and Liz's heads. Liz shook her head fervently, mouthing _NO! NO! DON'T DO IT!_

Patty lunged forward and wrapped her hands around Kid's head. Somehow, she slipped between the seats without kicking up the cloud of dust that accompanied almost every movement in Kid's car, and now she was kissing him forcefully as the car careened into a tree. Liz might've screamed.

Kid, meanwhile, was doing his best to focus on four things at once. He kissed Patty gently (the only way he was good at, Patty always said) as he swiveled the wheel to match up with the cars in the mirror, switching from the gas pedal to the brake, and back again, all while keeping one hand clenched around Liz's arm to keep her calm. Patty could see his eyes darting all over the car, returning to her on occasion with a tenderness that clashed with the terrified look he used the rest of the time.

After about nine seconds of this, Patty slipped through the seats again, laughing like a baby.

Kid didn't say a word for some time, but his smile was eloquent enough.

Liz slapped them. She started with Patty, then slapped Kid once. She then went back to slapping Patty. Then, right at the end, she slapped them both at the same time. When she noticed the looks she'd earned from Patty and Kid, she slapped herself.

"Ha! I'm free now! You can't-"

Kid slapped her.

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

Koiwai didn't have a clue where Yotsuba was. Two days ago, she'd told him about that 'click-clack man' (as Yotsuba invariably called him) and he'd made sure not to let her go anywhere without telling him. He wondered if he was overreacting by putting a Gatling gun turret on the lawn.

"Nah," he said out loud.

* * *

Yotsuba was walking back to her house, loaded down with bags of groceries. One of the bags had a gallon of ice cream in it, and it made her back cold. A few times, she'd tried to open the carton and get some to eat, but a ring of plastic kept her from opening it. When she'd read the shopping list (bread, cheese, fish, beans, curry and ice cream) she'd felt a wave of excitement that only a child getting ice cream can feel. Now, she wasn't very excited.

She was about to try opening the ice cream for the fourth time when she heard a familiar sound coming around the corner. The click-clack man popped into view, wearing a slick tracksuit that matched the shirt Yotsuba remembered him in. His long, long red hair drifted in a nimbus around his head, floating on air currents with ease.

Yotsuba, who was near tears a moment ago, immediately smiled so wide her mouth wrapped itself all the way around her head. Someone saw it and immediately had the happiest heart attack the world would ever know.

The click-clack man seemed to be shopping, too, as he carried a paper bag on each arm. They were filled to the brim with bitter-smelling stuff that Yotsuba couldn't quite see.

He was looking straight ahead and walking straight where he was looking. Yotsuba was about to call out to him when she realized that she didn't know his name.

"Hey, clicky-clacky man!" Well, it never stopped her before.

The click-clack man heard her yelling. He looked confused for a second before a peaceful smile creased his face. "Oh, it's the insurance girls. Time for mystery, twists and twirls." he said to no one in particular. Raising his voice, he said, "Hello there, girl of unknown name! I think these bags throw me off my game," and gestured to the bulging bags in his arms. Then with a note of concern, he continued, "If you're ready to answer and it's no bother, what's your name and where's your father?"

Yotsuba smiled at him meaningfully. "I'm Yotsuba!" she cried ecstatically. She pointed in the direction of her house and said, "Daddy's over there!"

The click-clack man looked where Yotsuba was pointing. He didn't see anything. "Yotsuba, that means clover, right? Nice name, happy and light."

Now, this requires some explaining. In the Japanese language, the word 'yotsuba' actually means 'four-leaf', which refers to four-leaf clovers.  
Yotsuba never connected clovers to her name before.

It blew Yotsuba's mind. "Whoa..." she whispered. "What's your name?"

The man smiled broadly. "I'm called Sununu, half of me is blue! Half is red, but that's no trouble, fire and ice are in my bubble!" He knelt down to Yotsuba, one hand held out regally. "Before the sun can hit the loam, I think that I'll escort you home."

Yotsuba tried to make sense of this Sununu guy in her mind. Half of him was, in fact, blue, and he said he had a bubble made of ice with fire in it (fire and ice are in my bubble?), and the sun was shooting a video store (sun hits the loan?), and he wanted to take her home. Something clicked.

"Okay!" she shouted. She reached out and grabbed Sununu's left hand, which was trying to recoil from her. A sudden splinter of cold stung her fingers. She yelped.

Sununu was already apologizing as he rubbed his hands together furiously. "I didn't mean to make you cold! My hand does that when people hold!" he blurted frantically. He looked horrified by what happened.

Yotsuba looked at him with doggy eyes. It was a look that screamed _how could you?!_ and gently whispered _you can still fix this, but you'd better apologize_.

Sununu looked over at the bags Yotsuba had been carrying, and saw the plastic ring around the ice cream carton. "I can open that, without a rat."

Yotsuba smiled. Then, referencing Hetalia for some reason, she sang, "PASTA!"

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

Koiwai was typing away on the computer, clacking away for a few lines between glances at his copy of _The Colour of Magic_. He had a knack for English-to-Japanese that some of his coworkers were envious of.

At the moment, he was translating a particularly interesting chapter involving a magical swordfight between a wizard and a prince. He was just about to type in the part where Rincewind falls when he heard a _ding-dong_.

"Door's open!" he yelled. Another _ding-dong_ came. "You can come in!" _Ding-dong_.  
"Fine!" he said. He slipped on a pair of shorts and went to open the door. Then, after a moment, he grabbed a pair of boxer shorts.

* * *

**Outside...**

* * *

"Maybe they're not here," Liz said unhappily.

"Maybe they're asleep," Patty said amiably.

"Maybe you can't hear the clicking keyboard. Someone's home, at least. I just hope it's not that Yotsuba!" Kid declared. He stood between Koiwai's house and the Thompson sisters. From where Liz was standing, he looked mad. Patty was slightly to her left, but creeping a step forward every second.

Patty flipped her hair at Kid. It was harder than it sounds, since Patty's hair is short. "Why do you say that, Kido-_kun_?"

"Calligraphy is the heart of-" Kid stopped. His mouth twitched upwards. "Wait, what did you just call me?"

"Kido-_kun_! We're in Japan now, remember? Honorifics?"

Kid looked blank at her.

Liz giggled. "You do know what honorifics are, don't you?"

Kid turned to Patty, the same blank look on his face.

Patty said, "Well, in Japan, when you're talking to someone in public, you add a title to the end of their name. There are a lot of 'em, from _kun_ and _chan_ to _sama_ and _dono_."

Liz chimed in. "_Kun_ - the one Patty used for you - is for boys that you either have a relationship with, or that you know are younger than you."

Patty cut in. "_Chan_ - the one Uncle is_ bound_ to use on us - is the same, but for girls."

Liz took over. "_Sama_ and _dono_ both refer to people higher up than you. _Sama_ is like a teacher or a boss, and _dono_ is for... I dunno, a king? Yeah, a king, or something like that. Someone you respect."

Patty interrupted. "There's a few more, but we're not gonna use 'em. Right, Liz-_neechan_?"

Liz spoke up. "That's right, Patty-_chan_."

Then, something hit her. "Oh, no..." she moaned.

Kid didn't say anything. Whenever Liz said 'oh no' in that tone, she was going to tell you whatever she'd just thought of, no matter what you said. That is, she was about to say something either perverted or hilarious. Kid thought back to some of the other times she'd done that. '_Okay, sometimes both,_' he admitted to himself.  
Liz saw Kid maintain a stoic silence.

Patty, though, was bombarding Liz with questions. "What? What? What?"

Liz said, "Hey Patty. Do you think Uncle Koiwai still does his Boxerman thing?"

Patty shuddered. "I _hope_ not. Ugh."

"Aaagh!" Kid yelled, exasperated. "FINE! What's Boxerman?"

Suddenly, the doorknob turned loudly. The door flung open, revealing a man in a white T-shirt, boxer shorts, and boxer shorts. He stood straight up, and looked altogether very brave-looking.

That is, except for the underwear on his head. They didn't look too clean.

Patty sidled up to the shocked Kid and clapped her hand on his shoulder. With her other hand, she pointed to the figure in the doorway and said,  
"That."

Liz raised her hand and shouted, "Hi there, Uncle Koiwai-_sama_! We brought someone with us!"

Kid started to say something, but before he could, Patty whispered in his ear. "Maybe our uncle won't feel safe with a shinigami sleeping in his house, so me and Liz're just gonna call you Kid. Okay?" Then, without waiting for a reply, "Uncle-_sama_, this is our boss, Kido-_dono_! Kido-_kun_, meet Uncle Koiwai!" She lifted Kid's arm, which hung limply.

Kid looked directly at Koiwai's eyes. Or rather his crotch... button... thing. What? He was wearing underpants on his head! Anyway, he stepped forward. "My name is Kid. I hear you're the uncle of these fine girls."

The man in the doorway shouted, "Boxerman has no nieces! You must be thinking of Koiwai-_kun_! If he were here, he'd say 'of course I am! These nieces of mine are the finest girls in the world!'"

Kid grinned despite himself. "If he were here, I would agree with him. Too bad he's not." He started to turn away, and then stopped. He faked a gasp, as if an idea had hit him. He turned back around, grinning heavily. "Boxerman, can you fetch Koiwai-_san_ for me? His nieces will be glad to see him."

Boxerman nodded. "Good idea! If Koiwai-_kun_ was here, _he'd_ say that was a good idea!" Without pausing to consider the logic of what he just said, Boxerman slammed the door.

From just inside, Patty could hear shuffling sounds, and a door slamming. Then, all of a sudden, the doorknob turned again, more slowly this time.

As the door gently drifted open, a familiar sight greeted the Thompson sisters. Their disheveled uncle Koiwai smiled the way he always did: part sleepy, part reserved, and the rest happy. He raised one hand in a subtle salute.

"Hi, girls. Boxerman said you three wanted to see me. Well, come on in!" Koiwai waved them to come inside.

Kid looked behind him. Right in the middle of the lawn was an enormous sentry turret, swiveling slowly back and forth. A huge drum of ammunition clasped on to the left side.

His mind screamed at him. _ASYMMETRY! DISGUSTING DISGUSTING DISGUSTING ASYMMETRICAL TRASH! HOW DARE THIS ABOMINATION OFFEND MY EYES! DESTROY IT! BREAK IT!_ Kid's hand trembled. He took a deep breath.

Under his breath, he whispered, "I will not let symmetry command me. I will be uneven... I will be imperfect... I will be comfortable in my own skin... I will not try to fix this turret." When he finished the mantra, Kid turned back to Koiwai, who was still standing in the doorway. He smiled winningly. "I've got issues with symmetry," he explained.

Koiwai was nonplussed. "Just don't go in the attic," he said.

Kid went inside. As he did, he looked back at the turret. "I'll deal with you later," he muttered.

As he went inside, Koiwai caught a glimpse of bright green coming around the corner. "Yotsuba!" he yelled.

Kid stiffened. He heard her voice crying, "Hi, Daddy!"

He didn't want to look. He really didn't. If Yotsuba's calligraphy was anything to go by, she might be the worst thing for his mind right now. _'I really don't want to deal with another Anubis,_' he thought to himself.

But every horror movie needs a dramatic reveal. Kid steeled himself for what he was about to see. He thought he was ready.

He turned.

He saw.

He wasn't ready.

Standing in front of him was the single most symmetrical human being he'd ever seen. A five-year-old girl with green hair, all tied in emerald pigtails. She wore a small gray T-shirt with short black sleeves, which hung loosely over her puffy shorts. Her feet were covered by white socks, and those were covered with tiny green sneakers. Her head was huge compared to the rest of her, and her lime-green eyes dominated her face.

Seeing this girl was the most amazing moment of Death the Kid's life. Consider the fact that he'd single-handedly saved the world on more than one occasion, and that should give you an accurate image of how awesome this moment was for him.

"Rice-Hair looks funny!" For Yotsuba, on the other hand...

A man emerged from the shadows behind Yotsuba. Kid's symmetrical ecstasy shattered. His shirt had the same form on both sides, but the colors were all wrong! His hair was okay across, but it was colored tan at the bottom! WHY?!

The symmetrical girl was saying something. "Daddy! This is the click-clack man I was telling you about!"

Koiwai looked shocked. "I-... I was expecting you to look taller," he stuttered smoothly. "I'm Yotsuba's dad, but you can call me Koiwai-_san_."

The click-clack man looked up for a moment. "Koiwai-_kun_, I have to say, your name is not so bad; it matches up, it just might stay, and doesn't it make you glad!" He chuckled to himself, and reached out his hands. "I'm named Sununu, the steam-drinker. Without a clue, but I'm a thinker."

Koiwai shook his hands. It was a weird feeling, and he had to cross his arms over to do it.

Kid simply stared at this _thing_ in rising rage. His brain was screaming for Kid to fix this abomination, to make him _orderly_-

Patty's voice echoed through the neighborhood: "HEY UNCLE! THE BURGERS ARE DONE!"

Kid was jolted out of his psychopathic fury. Koiwai went inside, lured by the promise of cooked beef. Sununu didn't know what burgers were, but he followed Koiwai inside.

The rest of that day passed in a blur of burgers, ice cream, and Yotsuba's excitement about said ice cream. Fortunately for Sununu, Kid didn't try to fix him. Fortunately for Kid, Sununu had forgotten what he was supposed to do in the first place.


	4. There's a Moral In Here Somewhere

"Something's wrong with the air tonight," the slim man said to himself, "but what...?"

He reached out with his mind, feeling for something, anything, to pin it on. It could be the sewers. It could be a ghost, maybe. Ghosts were fairly common in Karakura.

He half-smiled. "Like cockroaches that eat your heart out," he said to himself.

He flipped his cell phone open. He punched in the first three numbers to Chad's cell, and stopped. That was it!

_No reishi. There's no reishi in the air! Ghosts can't do that,_ he thought. _No Hollow has that kind of spiritual pressure._ He rose to his feet, closing his hand.

As his hand closed, it settled around a crescent of sky-blue light. _Good, Kojaku's still functional, but..._

_What is that?_

* * *

**Chapter 4: No One Cares, Rice-Hair!**

* * *

"AAAAARGH!"

Liz bolted awake. Patty did the same. They looked at each other.

They dashed outside clad in pajamas. Patty's body gleamed golden. Suddenly, she jumped towards Liz, who grabbed her and swung her around. The glow diffused, and there was Liz, holding the gun her sister had become.

"What's goin' on?!" she yelled.

Koiwai was trembling. He pointed towards the center of his lawn.

Liz looked around her uncle's head. She began to giggle. Patty turned back into a human. "What?" She looked around Koiwai too.

The sentry gun had been redesigned in the night. Now it had two barrels and two drums of ammunition, perfectly matched on both sides. A signature on the back of the turret read,

'_Kido-kun_'.

The Thompsons began to laugh. Uproariously. Loud, long bellows of pure hilarity. I mean, they were laughing so much it made the neighbors nervous.

Meanwhile, Yotsuba emerged from the house with Sununu in tow. She saw the turret, but didn't get the joke. She turned to Sununu, who shrugged.

"It looks the same on both sides!" Yotsuba exclaimed.

From the roof came a voice. "That's what I was trying to do!" Everyone looked up. Kid sat on the shingles of the roof, his legs folded in front of him with his heels touching. He looked like a cat that got ahold of a pint of cream that was somehow a fish.

Sununu waved at him with both hands. "Good job friend, nicely done! I can tell we'd get along, quite fun!" Kid ignored him. The less he thought about Sununu, the better.

Yotsuba waved to him. "Nice thingy, Rice-Hair!"

Kid smiled. "Thank you, Yotsuba-_chan_! That's nice of you to say!"

Yotsuba looked so happy.

Sununu put his arms down and went back inside the house. Koiwai saw him go in. "Why is that guy still here?" he said to no one in particular.

As one, Yotsuba, Patty and one of the neighbors said, "He's Yotsuba's friend!"

At that moment, Sununu emerged from the house with a large plate in each hand. "Remnant burgers for friends, with odds and ends!" The plates he held were piled high with burger patties, bacon strips, caramelized mushrooms, and who-knows-what else.

Within seven seconds, the plates were empty. Liz and Patty licked the bloody oil from their lips. "Thanks, Sununu!" they shouted happily.

Sununu stared at them both, his jaw hanging to his chest. "So that is what Americans do... what do people think of you?!"

Liz laughed and grabbed him by the edge of his sleeve. "_We_ think Yotsuba-_chan_ wants a burger of her own!" With that, she hauled Sununu back inside, and into the kitchen. Patty giggled as the door closed behind them.

Sununu took a close look at the tall girl in front of him. He noticed her jeans were weathered blue, while her half-shirt was russet-brown. Her eyes were hazelnut-colored. She had an odd sense of balance in the way she moved that caught him off guard; she didn't _act_ very balanced.

Liz grabbed a package of ground beef out of Koiwai's fridge. Sununu extracted a vicious-looking serrated knife from somewhere and industriously sliced the package open, pouring the contents into a nearby bowl. The knife suddenly vanished from his hands as he grabbed some spices from a nearby cupboard.

She molded the meat into a patty, while he flicked on the pilot light and mixed spices with both hands. Liz watched in awe as he swiftly crushed herbs into a fine dust with his bare hands, and flicked them into the pan almost carelessly. She wondered exactly how garlic and cocoa powder would taste together, or how they worked with burnt ketchup. Sununu clanked the pan onto the lit burner.

After about a minute, Sununu grabbed the uncooked meat out of her hands and tossed it onto the thin layer of spices. The burger hissed like a ghostly snake as it touched the pan.

Over the next few minutes, Liz learned how much Sununu scared her. He was terrifyingly fast with a knife in his hand; the blade seemed like a silvery blur in the air, and every slash of his that split the air incidentally put another spice into the pan.

Weirdly, it seemed like the knife radiated coldness. It didn't glint like metal, either. It kind of _shimmered_, like a chunk of melting ice.

Suddenly, Sununu looked around. He saw the softly glowing white walls, and heard the air conditioner whirring in the background. The cupboards looked a lot cleaner than he remembered, and the spices were in different places.

He blinked. "Where am I? Did time pass by?" he said. He looked over at Liz, and his right hand twitched.

The air in the whole room pulsed violently. The sizzling meat on the stove didn't sizzle. There was no heat to sizzle with. Everything turned very hot and very cold, and Liz felt her throat freezing as it baked. Her breath hung in the air as cold steam.

Suddenly, Sununu's shimmering knife was clenched in his left hand and a crimson ball of flame erupted from his right palm.

"WHERE AM I?! DID MY GRANDMOTHERS DIE?!" He screamed as if he was being tortured. He didn't look like the oddball image he gave off earlier; he looked psychotic.

* * *

The slim man gasped. He felt a gigantic spiritual pressure nearby. _There!_

He clenched his fist. A thin tube of blue light sprang into being. From the back there came a line that bent the tube back, bent the sliver of blue energy into the shape of a bow.

The man seemed almost worried. "Kojaku's not forming right." He sniffed the air, feeling it with his nose. "A lot of reishi in the air, but none of it's coming to me... what's going on?" He flipped his cell phone open. He pushed the third number down on speed-dial. The name above it read, '_Ichigo_'.

The phone on the other side rang three times. It seemed like each ring took a year. Finally, someone answered. "Yeah, yeah, what is it?"

"Ichigo, it's Uryu. Something's happening on..." The slim man looked at the nearest street sign. "Zaraki and Aoizakura. Get down here. I need help. NOW." He hung up. "I wonder why Ichigo sounds like that one guy from Trigun," he said to nobody in particular.

Just in case, the slim man made as many arrows as he could before he came to the right house. He was a careful man. Being the last of your kind does that to people.

* * *

Liz stayed where she was. Sununu had made no move since his shriek a bit earlier.

Yotsuba ran inside, attracted by that screaming. "What's go... ing... on?" she said between panting.

Sununu looked at Yotsuba, the ball of fire arcing back as his arm tensed. He stopped. A look of recognition spread across his face.

"Oh, right! I was here last night." He clenched his hands. The knife melted into nothingness, and the fireball evaporated. The room returned to normal. Sununu melted back into a funny young man.

Immediately, Kid burst in, clenching Patty in one hand. His pinky was wrapped around Patty's trigger, tensing as he slid past the door frame. A single shot blasted past Yotsuba's head, missing Sununu's skull by a millimeter at the most.

"Liz! What's happening?!" he yelled, redefining the term 'redundant'. He kept the gun in his hand trained on the oddball in front of him.

Liz just stared. She wasn't the sharpest soul-seer, but for a few seconds she'd seen more than she wanted to. The man... or rather, the _thing_ in front of her was not something she was ready for.

She shook herself. She leaned over to Kid, whispered in his ear. "Hey, Kido-_kun_. This guy... I think, he_ might_ be a witch."  
It took a few moments for Kid to absorb that. His eye twitched for a moment. Slowly, painstakingly, his neck turned. A few moments later he was looking Liz in the eye. "Beg pardon?" he said.

Sununu answered for the confused girl. "I have powers no man can use. I'm not concerned that she's confused." He gave them all an innocent smile. "I may have scared her, but I'll make it up." He turned to Yotsuba, and crouched down, clasping his knees. "I made some more burgers. Would you like to sup?"

Yotsuba looked questioningly at him. "What's sup?" she asked.  
"Sup is eat. Isn't that neat?"  
"Yeah! Burgers!"  
"...Did you hear me? You're so near me."  
"BURGERS!"

Sununu gave up.

Kid was still standing off to one side. He felt silly holding Sin Stance with a single gun, even more so when no one so much as looked at him. He looked over at Liz again. "You said something about a witch."

Liz nodded.

"You said _this_ idiot - who, may I remind you, is asymmetrical to the point of absurdity - _is_ said witch."

Another nod.

"Patty, is it just me, or does that sound like something out of a bad horror novel? Just think of the title: 'The Witches Watch!'" In her gun form, Patty groaned.

Sununu spoke up. "Witch's grandson, if I may say. Why do you think watch, Kid? _Olé_!"

Jaws dropped around the room. So did an ammo clip, for Patty's part.  
Yotsuba spoke for all of them when she said, "Your grandma's a witch?" To be fair, it wasn't in the same tone the others were thinking. It was far too happy, for one thing.

Sununu clapped his hands over his mouth. "I'm not supposed to tell! Keep my secret or I'll catch hell!"

Yotsuba put a finger to her lips. "I won't tell!"

Sununu's childish laugh was loud enough for Kid to hear. "I'm glad you're not blurters! Let's have burgers!" His hand twitched, and suddenly he was holding the cold knife in his hand. Before Kid could blink, Sununu already had three of the hamburgers impaled on the blade. Hot, bloody juice ran down the blade, sizzling as it froze.  
With what seemed to be a practiced motion, Sununu flicked his thumb along the blade. The cooked meat patties fell gently through the air. They landed on toasted buns.

"I've said it before and met it: come over here and get it!"

Yotsuba clapped her hands and said, "Do it again!"  
Sununu sighed.

* * *

As Sununu, Koiwai, and Yotsuba savored their hamburgers, Kid walked outside. Liz and Patty followed him.

They walked in silence for a few moments. Patty noted the low hum of electricity from the power lines up above. The street looked fairly new, if a bit dusty. All the houses they passed by looked vaguely identical, and all of them were painted the same dull white. The houses were dusty, too.

While she was looking at the houses, Patty almost bumped into Kid. "What's wrong?" she asked. He didn't respond. He looked up at something above their heads. Patty followed his gaze, and saw something strange.

A human was standing on top of a tree, holding a bow that looked like it was made of blue glass. He looked directly at her, and lifted his weapon.

It was pointed straight at Kid's heart.

Kid's voice in her ear made her jump. "Liz. Patty."

"Hoi!"  
"Yeah!"

On Kid's opposite side, Liz began to glow.

For a moment, the air filled with a high whistle. Kid kicked them both to the floor before he ducked himself. Patty felt something brush against her cheek as she fell; a drop of blood oozed out of a shallow cut just below her eye.

The human on the tree called down to them. "I would suggest not doing that again!"

Kid yelled back to him. "What gives you the right to attack a shinigami?!"

"You were going to attack me if I allowed her to do... what_ever_ she was doing."

Kid thought about this for a moment. He sympathized.

"Good point. Now, would you kindly let us go? I'm trying to catch some very dangerous people."  
"Not before you tell me what you are!"

Kid blinked. "I'm a shinigami! I thought I said that already!"  
The man on the tree aimed his bow at Kid again. "This one's going to hit you. Now really, what are you?"  
Kid grimaced. "Liz! Patty! Stay down!"

Kid stood up slowly. He made no quick movements, and he held up his hands. Unconsciously, he straightened his clothes out, making them perfectly symmetrical.

Then, he drew back his leg. His left arm flew behind him and pointed down. His right arm curled forward and up, hand flat and sharp-looking. His feet found impossibly wide spaces to step in, and his waist jutted out, and his shoulder curved away in a freakish posture. Kid looked as if he'd taken up ballet, and frozen in a pose he shouldn't have frozen into.  
Even so, it was the fastest and most balanced Kid would ever be. His feet took up positions only a sniper's eye could understand. His hands pushed away the air he would move through, granting him a level of speed that passed human possibility.  
Then, Kid decided to frighten this human. Who knows, it might work.

"This is the Death God Martial Arts' "Sin" Stance. Do you want to see its beauty in action?"

Suddenly, the sniper in the tree wasn't in the tree anymore. "More than anything. And really, what are you?" The voice in Kid's ear sounded frighteningly curious. It reminded him, for one insane instant, of the way Doctor Stein sounded when he dissected something.

Kid dodged as another volley of energy ripped apart the stillness of the suburban street air.


	5. Nothing Really Happens

Damn!

At this point, some of you might have noticed that a bit of Bleach has leaked its way into the story. Some of you may have also noticed the name of Uryu's bow is Kojaku, not _Ginrei_ Kojaku. That's because this is a slightly alternate universe from mainstream Bleach. A few details are a bit off, as some diehard fans might notice.

Incidentally, have you ever heard of the Many Worlds Interpretation? To **_criminally_ **oversimplify it, it's just another way of saying, 'I'm always right in this story, neener neener neener.' I don't follow Bleach as closely as some people do; I kinda skimmed a few copies of Shonen Jump and filled in the rest on my own.

That said, I _do_ like Bleach. It starts off with an awesome premise: a few people can see ghosts, and they do their thing outside of human knowledge. Also, they have living swords.

Okay, my memory's a little hazy. But still, I like Bleach, love Tite Kubo's art style, and the anime has the voice of Johnny Yong Bosch as Ichigo! **_JOHNNY YONG BOSCH!_** That's right. Vash the Stampede has a twin (or rather, another one)!

Whatever! I like Bleach, so please don't kill me when Uryu gets kil- ...um, I mean, leaves. Yeah, when he leaves. Hah.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Blasphemy! Yotsuba Isn't In This One?!**

* * *

Death the Kid dodged and rolled better than a normal human might believe. Every move he made was met with an arrow of energy or five. Even so, his need to make things symmetrical kept interfering with his flow. He had to crush the urge to straighten his sleeves with every step he took.

He feinted to the left, and bolted to the right when he was sure the sniper would take the shot.

His dash was met with an arrow that just missed his knee. "Damn!" he yelled. He thought to himself as he dodged more of those damnable arrows.

'_He shoots the way I would shoot_,' he observed in the part of his brain that was functioning logically. '_Maybe if I..._'

He bounded forward, and jumped, spinning furiously as he did. He was glad to note that he didn't get perforated in midair.

He touched ground, and immediately took another leap. He conjured Beelzebub in midair, and used the floating skateboard as a shield from the arrows. He dashed straight for the sniper's position, adjusting by the sound of arrow impacts.

In one burst of genius, what once was a one-sided curb-stomp of a fight instantly became a duel of wits. Kid had to figure out where the sniper was, and the sniper had to find a position that shot past Beelzebub.

Kid took a few shuffling steps, waiting for another arrow to hit his skateboard. No arrows came for some time. He waited a few seconds. Finally, he peeked around Beelzebub, just before he realized that this was very stupid. He quickly drew his head back. He hid behind the skateboard for some time, waiting. Waiting.

Waiting.

Then, Kid heard the sniper's voice. It echoed impossibly in the open air, and seemed to come from everywhere at once.  
"We don't need to fight! I just want to figure out _what_ you are!"

Death the Kid considered this for a few moments. He breathed in and out befire he said, "Okay. I'll have to trust you, though." He gently put down the skateboard, holding one hand up in the air. He took a deep breath. "And you'll have to trust me. Come down here, so I can see you."

Silence, punctuated by the twins' muffled shouts of approval. A rustling sound came from a tree off to the side of the road. The slim man he'd seen earlier dropped lightly on his feet. He stumbled for a second. Then suddenly, Kid's view was filled with the man's face. To Kid's credit, he didn't flinch.

The two men stared at each other, the slim man and the slim boy. Black haired and tall, they stood together like a crooked mirror. Each of them sensed the other's skill and experience. Each of them saw the other's arms; both of them thought, '_marksman's muscles_'. Kid looked through the thick glasses of the slim man, into his eyes.  
For a few seconds, Kid was intensely aware that his left sleeve was a tiny bit longer than his right sleeve.

The sniper gasped and whirled to the left. Kid followed his movements, ducking as he turned.

A strawberry-blond teenager in a Japanese student's uniform was running at full speed, straight towards them. Kid's temper flared. "ASYMMETRICAL TRASH!" he screamed.

The teenager stopped in his tracks. "What?"

Kid zoomed up to him. "Your sleeves are different sizes!" he frenzied, grabbing the fabric as he did. "Why don't you have them lengthened?! It's easy enough to do! And your shoes have mismatched stains! One stain is green and the other issss..." A sort of faint hiss passed his lips as he gently fell over.

Patty caught him as he fell. "Asymmetry overload," she explained, grinning like a dope.

In her arms, Kid babbled, "...too much... racecar... are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era..."

The slim man leaned in to hear what he said. He nodded his head, and stood up. He walked over to the guy in the school uniform.

He punched that guy square in the jaw.

As he rubbed his jaw, the guy said, "What - the hell! What the hell, Uryu!"

The slim man replied, "Good job breaking him, Ichigo-_kun_. Just when I was about to figure out what this guy was, then you come barging in and he's out. Well done, _shinigami_. Well done." The slim man turned to Patty. "Now, is there anything you can do to wake him up?"

The girl thought for a second. Then a sadistic smile crept over her face. Both of the men who were still awake shuddered.  
"Well..." Patty said, "there might be one way to wake Kid up... but it won't be easy!"

The guy in the student uniform looked like a man who knew he was about to die. "What do we nee-"

"Give me that shirt!"

The guy blinked. "Come again?"

"Did I stutter or something? Your shirt!"

The guy shook his head. "I... don't have any other clothes on." He looked embarrassed. Patty's grin gained more teeth. "Under the shirt, I mean," he added quickly, beginning to blush.

Patty's smile looked positively monstrous. "That's fine with me," she said.

The guy's jaw dropped. "No! No! NO!" He turned to the sniper, pleading now. "Uryu! Back me up here! You can't possibly-"

Uryu stared. "Oh hell yes, I can! You're the reason I don't already know what this thing is. You broke him, you fix him." He turned away, a small sign of modesty. "Feel free," he called back.

The guy in uniform looked confused. "Free to do wh-" There came a loud crunching noise. "OH GOD MY ARM! ORIHIME HEALED IT JUST TWO DAYS AGO!"

As Patty accidentally broke his arm, the guy in uniform was vaguely aware of his shirt ripping apart. Within seconds, his arm was fine again, and what was left of his only dress shirt was smoldering slightly in the road. It slightly resembled a burnt marshmallow.

Patty turned her arm back from its gun form and approached the fallen Kid. She knelt down and put one soft hand behind his head; she brought her face down to his, and brought his serene expression up to her.  
Her lips parted gently.

"WAKE UP, KID!" Patty screamed in Kid's ear. Kid spluttered into life.

"-RED!" Kid shouted. He blinked. He looked around, taking in the (objectively poor) view. "Did I do that thing again?" he asked bashfully.

Patty looked stern for a moment. "Yeah. You did." She made a face, and burst out laughing. "You should'a seen the look on yer face!" was what she said, but it would've been hard to understand, considering her ear-shattering guffaws.

Kid slid out of her arms and stood up, the very image of decorum. He brushed gently at the dirt on his suit jacket, and turned to Patty, offering a hand.

Patty took his hand and gripped it gently. Without warning, she she surged forward into a kiss.

Kid was used to her doing that, but he still stumbled under the impact. He held Patty in his arms as she wrapped herself around his head. "Urg nurm wurt the gur furm "Ererer" furz lurh," he said through a mouthful of Patty's breast.

Patty stood up on his shoulders. "What was that, boy?" she demanded.

Kid smiled as he said, "I said, I know what the guy from 'Alien' feels like."

The guy who once wore a student's uniform felt stupid. He said something that confirmed it when he said, "You two sure blow hot and cold, huh?"

Kid looked over at the guy. His eyes fell on the guy's shoes again. He stared for awhile. Finally, he nodded. "You're just barely symmetrical enough for me to _not_ shoot you until you don't have arms anymore, so you keep your damn mouth _shut_. Now, where was that guy with a bow? I had something to ask him."

"And I have something to ask you, Kido-_san_," a voice behind him said.

Kid whirled dramatically. "How do you know my name?!" he blurted.

"We know everything about you," the man said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "We've been watching you for a long time. Actually," he said seriously, "it was your girlfriend screaming your name that tipped me off. Not too subtle, there."

Kid nodded. "Good enough. So, in order now: who are you, what are you, why the bow, and who's that?" He pointed to the shirtless guy.

The sniper conjured the bow again. "I am Uryu Ishida, the last Quincy. This bow is my spirit weapon, Kojaku. And _that_," he added, pointing to the shirtless guy, "is Ichigo Kurosaki. If he wants to fill you in on himself, that's his job."

Kid looked unimpressed. "And what, may I ask, is a Quincy?"

Uryu sighed. "...you don't know... Never mind. My people are descended from an ancient tribe of shamans and witches. We hunt down the restless souls of the dead, often with bows we make ourselves." He flourished his bow. "Like Kojaku here."

Kid finally looked intrigued. "You hunt souls, huh? Well-"

"No more questions about me," Uryu cut in. "In order now: what are you, who are you, where did you come from, why the girls, and _what is she doing?!_" He pointed over to Ichigo, who was pinned under Liz, who was tickling him mercilessly.

Kid ignored them. "In order, right? Okay: shinigami, Death the Kid, DWMA, they're my weapons, and Liz is tickling _Ichigo_." He cracked his knuckles.

Uryu gave him an eloquent stare.

Kid grinned. "I, along with the rest of my class, live in Death City, Nevada, in a special academy that trains weapons. Now, I assume you know about Magic Weapons and Demon Weapons, so-"

Ichigo (who had, amazingly, survived the onslaught of tickles) spoke up. "What do you mean, Magic Weapons? Are they like _zanpaku-to_?"

Kid looked startled. "You mean... you don't know about DWMA?" His jaw dropped as Ichigo shook his head. "Oh wow. I didn't think there was anyone who didn't..." He trailed off. He thought hard for a few moments.

He breathed in. "Okay. You know that every living thing has a soul, right?" Ichigo nodded, and Uryu began to look interested. "Good enough. Now, there are some people who are born with special souls who can transform into weapons. Liz and Patty are two of these."

Patty burst in, "That's right! Two of the best!"

Kid ignored her. "There are several kinds of weapons. There are hammers, scythes, guns, and even a few guillotines, to mention just a _tiny_ few. On the other hand, weapons aren't very skilled at fighting by themselves; with a few very rare exceptions, they are unable to fight effectively without a meister."

Liz blurted, "Hey! Me and Patty were doing just fine without you for years!"

Kid turned to her. "But that's the point! You had _each other_." He turned away from Liz's angered yelling. "I am a meister, and my name is Death the Kid. I'm the son of Lord Death Shinigami-_dono_, the founder of the academy." A sinister grin slashed across his face. "And I am a shinigami."

Silence reigned for about ten seconds. Ichigo looked at Kid, his face a mask of professionalism. Uryu held back a smile.

The empty street exploded with laughter.

"WHA-HAHAHAHAH! Aha-ha-ha! Ha... ah, I haven't had that good of a laugh since I watched Code MENT. Thanks, man, that was hilarious! Hah..." Ichigo started bellowing laughter again.

Kid didn't say a word.

Uryu leaned in to Ichigo and whispered, "I think he's serious."

That just made Ichigo bellow harder. He kept roaring until Patty shot him in the face.

"Shut up already! What's so funny?!"

Ichigo stopped laughing. "Ah. Well, maybe it's because I'm a Soul Reaper..." he said, as he gestured with one hand, revealing a skull insignia. His eyes blazed with an angry light. "...and I know my kind well enough to know that you're not one of us. What are you?!"

Kid looked blank. "I'm a DEATH GOD! Why does everyone _always_ attack the DEATH GOD?!" he said as he grabbed Liz and Patty. "Liz! Patty! Let's go!"

The girls transformed. Twinned pistols gleamed in Death the Kid's hands. He breathed in. "Ah... balanced at last!"

He twisted into Sin Stance again, one hand behind and down, the other forward and up. He then ran like hell.

* * *

Kindly rate and review, please. I'll take suggestions (subtext: because I'm running out of ideas).


	6. Anime Conventions and Hitwomen

Okay, I've introduced Bleach into the story. Didn't I already disclaim EVERYTHING?! Whatever. Bleach is owned by Tite Kubo, published by Shonen Jump, etc. I own nothing.

Well, damn. I mean, _damn_. Looks like I'm not gonna update every Saturday, huh?  
Really, I feel horrible for not getting this done so long. Sorry, everyone. Especially you, Blue Biscuit-chan. Please don't aspi... asasas... asssss... si... hit me!  
Let's just hope it's good enough to make up for the wait, aye?

* * *

**Chapter 6: ANIME! Witches! The Mob! Oh yeah, and some kid stuff**

* * *

Kid's legs pumped underneath him, kicking him several feet forward with each step. No matter how fast he ran, the Quincy was right beside him. He didn't even look tired, just kind of bored.

Liz and Patty talked at each other in his head. He kept trying to drown them out, but he kept feeling himself getting dragged into their conversation.  
Liz said, "Hey, Patty, doesn't that Uryu guy look like Kid?"  
Patty was quiet for a second. Then, "Eh. A little. Why do you ask?"  
Liz smiled. Kid could hear it in her voice. "No reason. Hey, Patty."  
Patty said, "Aye, sis?"  
Liz faltered. "I was wondering... if you have dibs on Kid and all..."

Kid stopped in his tracks all of a sudden. "NO! No flirting with witches, especially those WHO ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL YOU!"

Uryu interjected, "I'm not trying to kill you!"

Kid raised Patty and took a shot at him. "You're still a witch!"

Uryu dodged the blast. "I AM NOT A GODDAMN WITCH!" he yelled. "I'm a Quincy! Get it right!"

Kid saw a house nearby. He broke his stride and bolted towards it, ignoring the name on the owner's mailbox. Incidentally, it said "Ayase".

Fortunately, a second-story window was open. He dove through and landed on his hands. He got up in time for someone's scream to hit him right in the ear.

* * *

Fuuka was in the middle of putting her pants on when a crazy man jumped into her room. He landed right next to her, too. She screamed.

He jumped to his feet right when she let her scream off. She stared at him, wondering what he wanted to do to her, overwhelmed with horror.

* * *

Kid saw the girl. He noted she was both quite pretty and amazingly asymmetrical.

* * *

The crazy man rushed up to Fuuka. She screamed and closed her eyes for a second. After a long moment of nothing happening, she opened her eyes. The guy that jumped through her window somehow pronounced, "SorryIdroppedinonyouI'mbeingchasedsorrybye!" and bolted through the door to her right.

After a moment, he came back in with a comb. He started combing her hair furiously, but precisely. Fuuka might have squeaked. After a few more seconds of combing, he ducked back through the door.

Fuuka stared after him for a second. Then, there was another thump, and someone else was in her room. He was dressed all in white, and one of his hands was... blurry somehow, indefinite.

This man was more dignified, though. He bowed to her western-style, and said, "Very sorry, I'm trying to catch someone. Did you see a man with pale skin, black suit, black hair with three white stripes on the left?"

Fuuka swallowed. "Y-y-yes!"

The man smiled. "Did you see where he went?"

She nodded. "He went into the house. That way," she added, pointing to the right.

The man in white immediately charged to the left door, lifting his hands together. Before he went through, though, he turned back.

"...beautiful," he murmured.

"What?"

The man jumped at her voice. "Did I... say that out loud?" he asked nervously. "Sorry."  
He leaped through the door before Fuuka could reply.

She blinked. "That was weird. Second guy was hot, though," she said to herself. She looked down and pulled her zipper up.

Instantly, another guy slammed into her floor. He was on his feet already, and he had no shirt on. Orange hair hung in sharp points atop his skull.

He took one look at her and blushed. "Um. Have you seen a guy in a white suit? Black hair?"

Fuuka jabbed to the right. "He was chasing some guy, too."

The orange-haired half-nude bowed. "Thanks." He dashed put of the room.

Immediately, someone else slammed into the room. His enormous and highly impractical red coat would've looked awesome if he didn't keep tripping over the hem. His blond locks stood up in gravity-defying spikes, and a tiny mole dotted the corner of his left eye.

Vash the Stampede looked up at her. "Sorry, pretty lady. I'm looking for this guy-"

Fuuka pointed to the right. "They all go that way." She held him back for a second. "It's crazy! The guy who came in before you? He had your exact same voice! It's insane!"  
Vash nodded wildly. "Yeah, I know! I want my voice back!"

Vash disappeared through the door. Yet again, someone landed in Fuuka's room. This time, it was a disheveled man in rumpled clothes. He was barefoot, and he kept running his hands through his coal-black hair. "Madam, I beg your-"

Fuuka rolled her eyes. "You got it. They're through the door on the right."

L bowed to her. "Thank you, ma'am." He ducked past the door.

Finally, a pink-haired boy in a scaly-looking vest leaped inside. A wave of heat radiated from his body.  
"I'm Natsu. I-"

"-will go through the door on the right."

Natsu ran through the door.

The second he turned the corner, someone else came in. Out of habit, she called out, "Whoever it is, door on the right!"

"That magic charm works like a charm," Hellboy growled, impressed. He stomped out as gently as he could.

* * *

Over the next hour, Fuuka calmly and collectedly explained to about three hundred separate people (and a few couples) that they had to go through the door on the right.

After it was all over, she wished she'd recorded it. She didn't notice the small, glowing red light coming from her cell phone. It had been on record the whole night. She walked over to it and saw the red light, then looked on her phone's screen. It beeped.

The timer showed a series of numbers that took her a moment to piece together: 10:34:22.

She thought for a moment. _Ten hours..._ Her fingers absentmindedly saved the video. It was a good thing they did, because in the next second Fuuka screamed and dropped the phone.

Hanging in the window were a pair of witches. It didn't take a genius to tell they were witches; after all, they were riding around on broomsticks. Their hair was kind of a tip-off, too; one of the witches' hairdos was all fire, and the other witch's was an ice sculpture.

The fire-witch laughed. "Ho-ho-ho! Hello there, little missy! My name-"

Fuuka pointed to the right. "They went that way."

The fire-witch blinked. "As I was saying, I'm Kotake. This is my sis-"

"Whoever you're looking for, they went through the door on your right. No matter who it was. _Door on the right_."

Kotake pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, lass. I'm trying to talk to you here!"

Fuuka blinked eloquently. One of her hands went to her mouth as she gasped. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought you were-"

"AS I WAS SAYING!" Kotake stared at her, daring her to say something. When she didn't, Kotake went on, "My sister Koume and I are throwing a block party on the 13th, starting at 5 p.m. You and your whole family are invited! Bring your friends!" Kotake smiled at her. Or maybe she was snarling. Honestly, I couldn't tell you.

Fuuka bowed in apology. "Really, I'm sorry! I'll tell them soon!" She paused. "Wait a second. Why didn't you come in the front door?"

Koume chuckled. "Have you even looked out your window? Your whole block is clogged with an anime convention!"

Fuuka dove for the window.

Koume was right. At least, it _looked_ like an anime convention. People wore outlandish hairstyles, dressed in outlandish clothes, and most of them wielded outlandish weapons Fuuka was _positive_ were illegal in Japan. Spike from Cowboy Bebop was relentlessly chasing some guy in a huge red coat. A bunch of guys - with hair that _had_ to be shattering some law of physics - were carrying on a heated debate over who the strongest fighter was. Every five feet or so, two or more people were brawling their way through the crowd.

Fuuka made the wise decision of calling the police. Needless to say, they were there in five minutes flat. They wanted autographs.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kid slipped back through the rooms quickly, making a terrific effort not to knock anything over. He passed another woman in the kitchen, who stared at him the way she'd stare at a cicada. The bangs of her super-short brown hair weren't big enough to hide behind, so she ducked behind the couch.

Kid yelled to the couch. "SorryforintrudingI'mbeingchasedIbegyourpardonma 'am!"

He rushed through the rooms for some time. Finally, he decided to take a break.

His breath came in ragged gasps. "Hah, hah, hah, hah... hah... hah... How big is this house, anyway?!" he yelled. "Why does this **normal** family... hah... need a house... hah... that could**_..._**hold a hundred... hah... pig farms?! WHY?!"

Kid flopped to the ground. "And of course, the ceiling has no symmetry. And on top of that, I'm too tired to paint it. Great."

He stayed on the ground for a few more seconds. Then, out of nowhere, Uryu's head filled his line of sight.

Kid, as per usual, didn't flinch. "Stop doing that," he said.

"So that was your top speed?" Uryu asked. "Kind of disappointing for a death god. Or whatever you are. Hey, what's your place like? You know, where you came from."

Kid maintained what he hoped was dignified silence.

Uryu groaned. "Look, clamming up like a five-year-old doesn't make you look dignified. It makes you look like a five-year-old." Well,_ that_ was out the window.

"I would have no problem with shooting you right now," Kid reminded him.

"Yeah, this may not be the best time to bring that up."

Before he finished talking, Liz and Patty were pointed straight at him. Patty's safety waggled at him. "Nyeh!" she nyehed.

Uryu tilted his head at Kid. "Did your gun just stick it's tongue out at me?" he asked in a way only someone who had just seen a gun stick its tongue out at them could ask.

Kid peeked at Patty. "Uh, no. I think she's flipping you the bird."

"Both wrong!" Liz chimed. "She's..." Here, Liz burst into laughter. "No, it's better if she shows you. Hey, Patty!"

Patty's safety transformed.

(Editor's Note: To make a long story short, and to avoid several censorship laws, Patty was wiggling her butt at him.)

After Uryu finished throwing up, Kid decided to take pity on the Quincy. Leaving Patty under the watchful care of her sister (and conveniently forgetting the horrifying implications of what that meant), he hesitantly reached out and patted the man (?) on the shoulder. "There, there," he muttered.

Uryu didn't move... well, actually, he was already moving, so... whatever! He didn't stop what he was doing, that's the point! He rocked back and forth on his heels, trying to erase the image of a rear end coming out of a handgun from his brain. It didn't help that Patty was right in front of him in gun form, wiggling her safety / butt at him as she laughed maniacally.

Kid wisely left the room and made for Koiwai's house. He took Liz and Patty with him, more to keep them from getting murdered by a witch than anything else.

"I AM NOT A WITCH!" Uryu screamed.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the Koiwai household...

* * *

Yotsuba was teaching Sununu the fine art of swing-shoe-tag. He was getting the hang of it, though he was nowhere near Yotsuba-_chan_'s mastery.

"...and kick!"

Two shoes flew through the air. One of them fell through the sewer grates and plopped into the filthy water-like substance at the bottom.

"That's bad luck, Yotsuba-_chan_! Mine fell right upon the lawn!" Sununu put his hands up. "We're in a rut. Now what?" he asked.

Yotsuba dashed for the nearest sewer grate. "Now, whoever puts their shoe on first wins!" she cried as she dived through the bars.

Sununu flipped over to his tossed shoe. True to his word, it had landed on the front lawn of the Ayases. He had neglected to point out the anime convention that had convened on that very lawn. Even as he got to his shoe, no less than five impossible hairdos intercepted him. The blue ponytail put up his dukes and grinned.

Sununu snapped his fingers.

* * *

Yotsuba blinked as she came out of the sewer, shoe dangling on the end of her foot.

Sununu was lying back on the grass, panting heavily. His scarlet hair drooped around his head like streams of red ink. Right next to him was a life-size ice sculpture of the main cast of VanDread.

Yotsuba squealed. "That's my favorite show! Avast, Sununu!"

Sununu blinked a second before he smiled. "Thank you, _chan_, and let me say, I mean that very much; I knew not you liked that play, but I love that you act as such!"

Yotsuba looked at him like he was a cicada.

Sununu jabbed his fingers at the sky. "By the way, you won this game; my shoe went up in flame." His fingers snapped to the left. Yotsuba peered around him.

The smoldering remnants of what might have been a shoe in its past life lay there on the Ayase's lawn.

Yotsuba took a step back. She looked at Sununu with misty eyes.

Sununu rolled closer. "_Cthulhu fhtagn?_ Something wrong?"

Yotsuba pulled a formerly-not-there water pistol out of her pocket and trained it right on Sununu. Her voice became cold and cruel all of a sudden.  
"You holdin' out on me?"

Sununu did not move at all except for his eyes, which went wide.

"I ASKED YA A QUESTION, YA MEATBALL!"

Sununu breathed in slowly. "Not at all, good pretty doll. I did my best-"

"I'M ASKIN' THE QUESTIONS HERE!" Yotsuba interrupted. "Who sent you? Was it the Rizzato brothers? The Barzinis?" She paused dramatically. "Or was it Fredo? What did he give you, money?"

Sununu looked confused, and vaguely frightened. Even so, a smile crept in somehow. "I said he'd get a play for the top, and then he said he'd never stop!"

Yotsuba tilted one eyebrow (or thought she did) and let the water pistol droop in her hand. "Give me a name. I want names! I wanna find these little rats and give 'em a little four-leaf justice!"

"You know him! He was always cheatin'... It wasn't a family! IT WAS KEATON!" Sununu confessed with a smile and a half-held laugh.

Yotsuba blinked. "Well, then. That's sad. I thought I could trust you, Sununu-_kun_."

Sununu was openly grinning now. "I was only trying to help you! Keaton was a whelp, true?"

Yotsuba whirled on him, pistol leveled. "Save your excuses for hell."

She shot him twice. He spluttered for a minute, gasping and wheezing and moaning so over-the-top it completely ascended this plane of existence and came back enlightened. Finally, he flopped to the ground again.  
"Bleh," he didn't rhyme. A second passed, and he added, "Meh."

Yotsuba turned away professionally. Then she stopped and turned back around, a look of curiosity on her face. "Hey, I forgot! Where did you leave your gun? I need a new one!"

Sununu concentrated very hard for a second. Finally, he came out with "Aren't I dead? You filled me with lead."

It was Yotsuba's turn to think. It was such a new experience for her, so it took her a second to answer. "You're half-dead?" she explained hopefully.

Sununu nodded. "Under the stairs will lie my shooter. I was glad to be your tutor..." he faded off theatrically.

Yotsuba shot him again, right between the eyes. She smoothly turned around and walked off. "Now you're all-dead," she informed him.

Sununu smiled dreamily (and not a little creepily) at her. "You're a beautiful hitman, little Yotsuba-_chan_."

Yotsuba stopped in her tracks. Slowly, she turned around. Sununu could see a girly smile working its way into her mouth, and tiny happy tears in her eyes.

A jet of water shot him in the eye.

"It's hit-_woman!_" Yotsuba corrected. "And I'm not a ghost-whisperer!"


	7. Glass and Zombies - Not A Good Mix

Yeah, yeah, I'm late. Any complaints you have about it can be directed to my secretary, good friend and occasional bodyguard, Pancake "Leftie" Jackson. He'll personally beat the living snot out of you for me.

By the way, because of some idiot's request, I'm gonna list most of the references I make from now on, starting with Bleach:

From _Bleach_: Ichigo Kurosaki, Uryu Ishida, Zangetsu, Kojaku, and Ikkaku Madarame (just because he's **awesome**);  
From _Is This A Zombie?_: Ayumu Aikawa, Eucliwood 'Eu" Hellscythe, The Lord of Night (A.K.A. Night-_san_) and Mystletainn the chainsaw;  
From _Death Note_: Ryuk and the Death Note;  
From _The Neverending Story_: Falkor the Luck Dragon;  
From _Yotsuba &!_ : Yotsuba-chan, Koiwai, Jumbo, the Ayase family, and some cicadas;  
From _Soul Eater_: Death the Kid, Liz and Patty Thompson, and so on;  
From _The Legend of Zelda_: The Twinrova Sisters (Kotake and Koume);  
From _Fruits Basket_: Tohru Honda;  
From _Cardcaptor Sakura_: Sakura Kinomoto and her wand;  
From _Code Geass - Lelouch of the Rebellion_: Suzaku Kururugi and the Lancelot frame;  
From _Berserk_: Guts the Black Swordsman and his sword;  
From _Final Fantasy VII_: Cloud Strife and the Thundaga materia;  
From _Trigun_: Vash the Stampede and Millions of Knives (yeah, that's really his name);  
From _Baccano!_ (also known as the best anime in the world): Ladd Russo, Claire Stanfield, The Rail Tracer and Firo Prochainezo;  
From _VanDread_: The cast of _VanDread_ (obviously);  
From _Doctor Who_: The Daleks (EXTERMINATE!_ EXTERMINATE!_);  
From _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya_: Haruhi Suzumiya (the most terrifying woman in all of fiction) and Kyon (her loyal sidekick and occasional punching bag).

Happy now, ya meatball?!

I gotta say thanks to Blue Biscuit-chan for giving me the kick in the face required to jump-start Death the Kid &! again. And thanks to oath-keeper95 for starting me off in the first place. Together, the two of you inspired me to keep writing.  
Actually, screw you guys. Now I can't stop writing!  
Oh, before I forget... put that gun DOWN, Blue Biscuit-chan! What? ...you changed your name? What the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey did you do THAT for?! Four Dimensional?! What does that mean?! That name sucks!

(QUICK FOOTSTEPS as the author retreats to a bomb shelter. Cue MACHINE GUN FIRE. After a moment, silence.)

...Ha! That all you got?!  
(MACHINE GUN FIRE, followed by WHOOSHING SOUND and EXPLOSION)

* * *

**Chapter 7: YOTSUBA SHOW UP! HOORAY! ...and Kido-_kun_ makes friends with a zombie...  
**

Two days later (that is, the thirteenth of July), on a very nice Friday, at noon...

* * *

Kid woke up. He felt relaxed, so he took a deep breath from the open window. It smelled like a beautiful Japanese day outside as he stretched his shoulders. With that lighthearted thought in his head, he turned around and finally opened his eyes.  
That was as far as he got before his day was completely ruined.

Sununu and Yotsuba were sprawled between him and the door. Even in his sleep, Sununu was unbalanced; his hands trailed out like he was doing a Buddha pose. His feet folded in on themselves in some illogical, click-clack way Kid couldn't even fathom. His eyes flicked open at random, one after the other, and seemed to follow the beat of a punk rock song playing inside a jackhammer.  
His hair just went wherever it wanted.

Yotsuba had a perfectly, beautifully symmetrical form. It was wasted on her sleeping posture, though. Her arms were flung out like one of those chalk outlines crime shows were so fond of, and her folded legs made something like an off-kilter square. Even her toes seemed to rebel against her symmetry; they curled on each other like a monkey's.

Kid looked back at his sleeping bag.  
Eh. Patty was passable. Her hair was a little flatter on the left, but it was nothing he couldn't fix. She looked cute, tucked inside the folds like a little baby.

Kid smiled a little. He crept closer to her.

* * *

Patty was having a dream about giraffes riding humans into battle when she felt someone touching her real hair.

She breathed in, stretching her hands over her head. She opened one bleary eye and caught sight of Kid above her, petting her hair.

"Mguh...?" she asked.

Kid looked down at her, startled. "I was just fixing your hair," he explained bashfully. "It was all flat on one side, and I thought you wouldn't want to awaken to that level of asymmetry." He gave her a weak smile. Patty couldn't help but think it made him look like Crona.

She stared at him for a second. "Coming from you, that sounds like 'I love you'," she said slyly.

"Well, I do," he said seriously.

All of a sudden, Patty was on his head.

(What followed might have been considered kissing, but I don't feel like going into it. Just thinking about it makes me queasy.)

After Kid wiped the spit off his stomach, he decided to wake up Yotsuba and her apparent bedmate.

"Patty, would you give me a hand?" He reached back to her.

"Okay!" Patty responded.

She gave him a high five.

Kid looked at his hand for a second. "I _meant_ turn into a gun," he explained.

"I know," Patty smirked.

Kid rolled his eyes. "You... ugh."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm goin'," Patty assured him.

In seconds, the glow fell away from a slick semi-automatic pistol in Kid's hands. Patty chuckled sinisterly. "So, what did you want me for, anyway? I'm starting to get rusty. Do I get to shoot something?!" She sounded excited all of a a sudden.

Very calmly, Kid raised his arm and pointed directly at the ceiling.

"Well," he hummed, "a roof is something..."

_**BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!**_

At the same time, Yotsuba and Sununu bolted upright... right into each other. Their heads made a satisfying, coconutty _clonk _as they slammed together, thanks in part to Sununu's freshly-shaved scalp.

"Ow!" Yotsuba cried, clutching her head.

"Yow!" Sununu rhymed.

In her gun form, Patty was cracking up. Kid did his best to keep a straight face, but it was tough when his mouth started curving on him like that.

The door to their room crashed open from a wild kick in two seconds flat. An entire ensemble of anime characters piled into Yotsuba's room, headed by Ladd Russo, who was in turn flanked by Cloud Strife and Guts. Vash the Stampede came climbing in over them like a lizard, keeping a hand close to his hip.

All of them yelled something different at the same time.

"Who wants to die?!"  
"Thundaga!"  
"Black Sword Slash!"  
"Bullet time!"

There were a lot more of them, trust me. It went on for a while.

Once the introductions were over, Ladd took charge of the investigation."You guys hear anything?!" he demanded, pointing a shotgun straight at Kid.

"Hear what?" Kid responded with a fake curious expression on his face. He turned to Patty. "Did _you_ hear anything?"  
Patty resisted the urge to giggle. She just shrugged.

Ladd raised an eyebrow.

* * *

Koiwai awakened to the sound of glass shattering. That was slightly unusual for him; normally, he was awakened by the sound of Yotsuba's knee diving into his sternum.

After he got his pants on, he rushed out the door like the morning newspaper was on fire. He quickly caught sight of Kid, who sat in the middle of a huge pile of rubble and splintered glass, brushing shards of glass off his arm while he waved at someone on the house's second story. Koiwai couldn't catch what he was saying, but he looked a bit miffed.

As he opened the front door, Koiwai started hearing the middle of the conversation.  
"-breaking Uncle Koiwai's window! Do you have any idea what he'll do to me if he finds out about this?! I don't have life insurance, Mr. Mafioso! He's gonna..." Kid trailed off. He slowly looked over to the front door... and saw Koiwai.

Koiwai didn't say a word.

"Oh..."  
Kid was too busy working on his obituary to add anything more.

Koiwai looked at the pile of glass.

Then he checked the second-story windows.

Then he looked at Kid again.

"No, keep going. I need some inspiration," Koiwai teased him.

"I'll do anything! **_Anything you want!_**"

"Just fixing it would be fine," Koiwai said, bored already with his moment as nightmare fuel.

"I'll fix it, I'll pay for it... I'll clean your house! I'll PAINT your house! I'll BUY you a NEW house! I swear to Lord Death I'll..." Kid got a grip. "Oh, yes, yes, I'll fix it! Where's the nearest hardware store?!"

"I'll get the keys," Koiwai sighed before he strolled back through the door.

* * *

"Thanks for driving us, Koiwai," Patty said.

Kid and Koiwai turned back to her and yelled "Show some respect!" as one.

Patty muttered something like "...show you respect... have you know Kid heels like a dog when..." under her breath.  
Apart from her creepy muttering, she just stared out the window as they went along. Koiwai did a respectable pace of 30 miles an hour as he rolled along some of Karakura Town's (surprisingly well-filled) backstreets.

Kid stood up in his seat as Koiwai's van rolled over a bump.

"Did we just run over Tohru Honda?!" he yelled.

"No," Koiwai replied, "that was Sakura Kinomoto. You can tell by the wand fragments."

Kid relaxed. "Oh, good. For a second I thought we ran over someone I actually had a desire to see living."

Patty looked hurt. "I thought you _liked_ _Cardcaptor Sakura_," she complained.

"I never said that," Kid replied._ And I'll never admit it,_ his thoughts added.

They drove on in silence for one second after that.

"You were crying at the end," Patty recalled.

"YOU WERE SPRINKLING PEPPER IN MY EYES!"

"Yeah? You were still crying!"

"You put pepper in his eyes?!" Koiwai asked incredulously. "You have deep-seated emotional issues, kiddo!"

"Leave me out of this!" Kid yelled.  
Suddenly, something occurred to him. "Hey, Patty."

"You didn't like... jerk... WHAT?!"

"You know where Liz is?"

"Eh. Probably trying to hook up with... I don't know, probably that Suzaku dude with the giant mecha thing."

"Yeah, whatever. Just thought I'd ask."

"I hate to break up such a scintillating conversation, but... we're here." Koiwai gestured toward the hardware store with one hand, and steered his van into a parking space with the other. The van scraped along the side of a small luck dragon in the next space, who grunted and rolled to the other side.

Koiwai rolled down the window and waved. "Sorry, Falkor," he said.

Falkor groaned.

Kid and Patty piled out the van and onto the pavement. In a flash, they were up, charging the store like a Kishin had decided it liked the taste of their blood, and was on the fence whether or not chasing them down and eating them was worth it, and they wanted to tip the scales on the side of 'kind of a hassle'.

Sununu appeared out of nowhere and followed behind them, giggling maniacally all the while.

Yotsuba leaped off the top of Koiwai's van, hit the ground running, and dashed after Sununu. "GIVE ME BACK SLIPPER LEFT NOW!" she yelled, her look of anger clashing with the adorable smiley-face on her t-shirt so violently, Koiwai's brain felt bruised.

An orange-spike-haired guy in a student's uniform rushed past Koiwai. He said something as he passed; it sounded like "longstorynoTIMEGOTTAGOSorry'boutyourcar..." and then he was out of sight.

A guy in what looked like a lab coat came a second after. He held still just long enough to say, "We need to catch those guys," before he took off like an Olympic sprinter.

Now, I want to be perfectly clear here: Koiwai had no idea what was going on. None at all. On a scale of cluelessness from one to ten, he would be Dalek-IQ, a number so huge that there is no number could express how many decimal places it had.  
But then again, he knew his daughter.  
He locked his van.

It was a battle cry that emerged from his lips.

"YOTSUBA!" he screamed as crossed the sea of burning black asphalt that lay like an ocean between his van and the store.  
"YOTSUBA!" he roared as he ripped into the hardware store like a drunken linebacker crossed with an inordinately miffed avenging angel.  
His sneaker-ed feet crashed into the tiled floor with earth-shaking impacts as he strode up to the nearest terrified clerk, grabbed him by the shirt-neck and snarled,

"Excuse me, sir, I'm looking for a little girl with green hair. She went by here a moment ago. Did you see where she went?"

The clerk pointed to the glass aisle in a way that implied screaming men crashing through the front door was something he had to deal with every so often. "Yeah, over there. So, I'll just go clean up the broken glass."

Koiwai darted for the glass aisle.

Yotsuba had drawn her water pistol and pressed it to Sununu's liver, since that was the highest spot she could reach on him. Sununu was grinning like a fool. Koiwai noticed he had a small, green velcro shoe in his hands, which were suspended above his head, encased in ice, had multiple sword wounds, and were currently perforated with no less than seventeen invisible arrows made of pure spiritual energy. His hands, not the shoes.

The lab-coat guy acted like he had an invisible bow-and-arrow and he was a great archer. His right hand whizzed back and forth between his other hand and his shoulder like he was trying to load a particularly stubborn crossbow - never mind that the comparison would have left him murderously peeved - and his lab coat actually looked a bit respectable.

The student guy was snoozing underneath a sheet of shatterproof glass - a wise choice, considering that Kid and Patty were hammering on it furiously with a storm of pinkish-purple energy bullets and stomping on it furiously.

"Why does my daughter's friend have a shoe in his hands?" Koiwai asked Kid.

"I DON'T KNOW!" he yelled. "I thought the Soul Reaper trying to cut me in half was a bit more worthy of attention! WHOA!" That last part was Kid ducking really fast.

"Look out!" came a disembodied voice from where Kid used to be. Koiwai hurriedly joined the orange-haired guy under the sheet of glass. The second he was behind it, an invisible wave of something smashed it back into Koiwai's face.  
He could practically feel his hair turning gray from all this stress.

The lab-coat guy glanced at Koiwai. His eyes went wide. "ICHIGO! BODY THIEF!"

For some reason, Koiwai felt eyes on him. "I don't know what that means!" he shouted.

"Get away from my body!" a disembodied voice shouted from next to Koiwai's head.

Koiwai looked at the student guy. The guy wasn't moving. Or breathing. Or... well, anything, really.

"AAAH! He's dead! This guy's dead! You're a serial killer, aren't you?!" he yelled, pointing at lab-coat guy. "Oh God, you're a serial killer and now you're going to kill me like you killed this student guy! I don't wanna die in the glass section of a hardware store! Please, Mr. Lab-coat Guy! Let me live! I have a little girl and two beautiful nieces!"

The lab-coat guy stared at him uncomfortably. "Uh... I'm... not a serial kil-"  
"Daddy! Want me to shoot Mr. Killer?!" Yotsuba yelled joyously.  
"I'm not a serial killer. My name's Uryu Is-"  
Koiwai interrupted him with a laugh. "Yeah! Show Mr. Killer the power of the Koiwais!"  
"I'M NOT-"

Yotsuba shot him with her water pistol. "Take that!"

"Ow! I keep trying to tell you, I'M NOT A SERIAL K-"

Sununu whacked him in the head. "Eat a stick, you pansy wick!"

Everyone fell silent and looked at him.

Sununu shifted self-consciously on his feet. "I had no time, I had to rhyme..."

"Wonder if Sununu's fired now," Kid said absently. As the words passed, his eyes flashed open so fast they looked like they might fly off altogether. "Patty! I have to write that down! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY!"

Patty emerged out of gun form and slapped him across the face. "Calm down, Kido-_kun_!" She was quiet for a moment. "Now, what is it?!"

"I just had an epiphany! That's why Sununu is so mismatched! His name is the key! HIS NAME IS A PALINDROME! Same backwards as forwards," he explained when he noticed the looks he was getting. "Seriously, I have to write this down! This is like watching the Big Bang happen, except IT'S WITH WORDS! PATTY! I! HAVE! TO! WRITE! THIS! DOWN!"

Patty took her hands from her ears. "Okay, okay! Sheesh! Let's go to Target or something."

Kid nodded, then froze. "Oh damn it! I still have to buy glass for Koiwai's window."

Patty slapped him again. "Make up your mind already! Are you gonna go off and buy a frilly little diary or do we haul a sheet of glass around until SOMEONE walks up and smashes it?!"

"This coming from the girl who spends the better part of an hour scribbling in that notebook about... what is it you write about again?"

They started walking for the door.

"For your information, Kido-_kun_, I am investigating the Kira serial killings. It's tough work, getting all that detail in about time of death, what they were doing, the order they die in... tough work. On the other hand, I've actually begun to get a profile on Kira's mind! See, he's not as good at hiding his intent-"

"Yeah, like you keep telling me. Seriously, every time we get out of the house, all I hear is 'Kira! Kira! Kira!' Honestly, can't we just go one day without talking about serial murder?"

Patty frowned. "Aw, do we _have_ to? Seriously, this info could crack the case wide open! Listen, he lives in the Kanto area of Japan. He has a younger sibling who he considers too innocent to know what he does. He's young and highly intelligent, and he's probably a student in high school - maybe he goes to a university. He can control their times of death! He has connections with the police, and they don't even know it! Kid, we could save lives here! We might actually have a chance to save a _lot_ of innocent people!"

Kid stared at her. "You really think they don't know about that? Listen, Patty, they have the best detective minds on the planet working on this case. I'm not trying to be rude, but do you really think you have information they won't come up with?" He laid a hand on Patty's shoulder. "I think we should leave this to the police. They'll know what to do."

Patty nodded. After a moment, her eyes narrowed. "Hey, wait! You're a Grim Reaper! Can't you figure out how all these guys are dying?!"

Kid shrugged. "Lord Death says it's not another shinigami, so we can't trace it. It's weird, though... it has all the marks of a Death Note, and Ryuk hasn't called in for... a while now, actually..." He stopped in place and put his hands together, like he was praying. "Hmm..."

"Well?! We gonna go or what?!"

"Oh, yeah, glass. Let's go."

Patty turned around, satisfied. "Oh... uh, Kido-_kun_? We should go. Now. Now! NOW!"

Kid whipped around.

A high-school student with dead eyes, an honest-to-goodness bonnet, and a frilly pink dress crashed through plate glass at him, bearing down with a gigantic chainsaw and screaming "MEGALO!"

(What follows has been deleted from this account for filthy language, excessive gore, several acts of a disturbing and violent nature, and inappropriate use of a frilly pink dress. Some screaming was involved.)

Once Kid retrieved the remains of his pants, correctly dismantled the chainsaw, and removed as many of the glass spears as he could, he reawakened the high-school cross-dresser.

"Let's try this again," Kid said to him.

"Are you a zombie?" the cross-dresser asked him, pointing to him with his elbow. The rest of his arm dangled limply below the elbow, waving around like a line of snot.

Kid huffed. "No. I am a shinigami, son of Lord Death Shinigami-sama himself! Do you honestly think... never mind. Who are you and what are you doing here?"

The cross-dresser's clothes turned transparent. "See, I thought you were a Megalo-"

"UGH! That's disgusting! Put some clothes on, man!"

"I did."

Reluctantly, silently cursing himself every second, Kid glanced back.

The cross-dresser wasn't cross-dressing anymore. Now he was dressed like a normal teenager - t-shirt, jeans, sneakers and all. To Kid's mild surprise, his eyes still looked dead.

"Anyway, I'm Ayumu Aikawa. I'm a Magikewl zombie necromancer Girl, man. This is my... well, Eu got me like this." His elbow pointed to a silver-haired girl in full plate armor who, Kid realized with a jolt, had been sitting against the wall the entire time. "She doesn't talk much."

"I should hope not!" Kid exclaimed. "I mean... hello, Madame Hellscythe. I didn't know you were visiting."

The silver-haired girl began writing on a pad of paper. Her armor clanked a little.  
_'Neither did I. Ayumu is my manservant while I stay on this plane.'_

"You know Eu?" Ayumu blurted in surprise.  
"Yeah, you know this chick?" Patty asked, somewhere between jealous and honestly curious.

"No matter where you're from. If you're a death god, the other death gods tend to know about you."  
_'Quite true. Everyone knows about Lord Death Shinigami-_sama_ and his son. The embodiment of insanity through order tends to be the leader of whatever he gets into, as well, so all of us - from a Grim Reaper to the lowliest psychopomp - usually follow his lead. Shinigami-_sama_'s, not his son's.'_

Kid blinked. "Ah. Of course." He blinked again. "If you don't mind my asking, why do you have a zombie manservant, ma'am?"

_'Because he died. Obviously.'  
_

Kid shivered.  
"Okay... changing the subject now, what are you doing in Karakura Town, of all places?"

Eu nibbled on the end of her free thumb as she wrote.

_'A long and convoluted series of events have forced us into your world. Personally, I believe it was Haruna's fault. From what Ayumu has told me, the same has happened to many, many other worlds as well. I, Ayumu, a young man named Kyon, and a very strange girl by the name of Haruhi seem to be the only ones who noticed. Incidentally, I enjoy your world's moon. It is very... comforting.'_

Kid nodded. "True. It does have a certain... terrifying familiarity... but why just you few, Miss Hellscythe? And me and Patty, for that matter?"

Eu put her pen to her lips. Then, she went on writing.  
_'Good question.'_

"Well, that was informative. Wasn't it, Patty?" Kid smiled at Patty endearingly.

"Huh? I wasn't listening."

Kid sighed. Eu looked at him questioningly.

Kid displayed Patty to her.  
"This is Patricia Thompson. She is what happens to people we don't like." He stepped closer to Patty and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "And she's my girlfriend."

Eu blinked slowly.  
'_I wonder what you two would taste like together. Probably a bit too fatty for my palate_...'

Patty shifted into gun form. "OH THIS IS ON NOW BIT-"

Kid poked his finger into the barrel. "Patty, no cursing at extradimensional death gods. It's very rude, and it makes our reality seem uncultured. Agreed?" He took his finger out.

"-CH!"

Eu wrote again.  
_'Whenever you are ready, sweet cheeks.'_

"Would you do something, Ayumu?"

Ayumu dashed over to Eu and began talking. Kid didn't really care what they were saying (or rather, Ayumu was saying and Eu was writing), so he didn't listen. Meanwhile, he hauled Patty off, bucking and kicking, in her gun form.

"Let me shoot her! Just once! I swear, I'll clean up afterwards! All it'll take is one bullet and we never have to worry about meeting her again! Besides, you owe me for that time I got us seats at Dorsia's!"  
"No, Patty. Killing death goddesses from other dimensions is very rude. Let her live."  
"Aw, do I have to?"  
"Yes, and that's final!"

Patty kicked a chunk of glass with the tip of her shoe.  
"You're no fun."

* * *

To be continued, friends and neighbors. _To be continued_.


End file.
